Relationships 101 – Difficult Conversations – Part One

Difficult conversations.  How do you handle them? Do you blast through people’s boundaries because you want to get it over with (or get it off your chest), not stopping for a moment to consider the impact on the other? Perhaps you ‘duck and weave’ taking forever to get to the point, because really, you’re uncomfortable about what you have to say. Maybe you don’t say anything – for years – and your swallowed resentment is starting to poison every aspect of your life…

“We have problems communicating”.  This is what I hear the most when people start to unravel a dissatisfying relationship. Good communication or lack of it can make or break a relationship. Part of the problem is we weren’t taught skills of communication, particularly in personal relationships. The differences we were initially fascinated with are now frustrating! We spend too much time thinking about what we want to say, rather than how we say it.

The other part of the communication problem is deeper.  We often don’t know what we really want. We don’t ask: Why are we together? What do we intend to have happen or experience? Are the expectations unrealistic, unfulfilled or unspoken? Once we know the answer to these questions, then here’s the big question. How do we negotiate, rather than compromise – or worse – keep score?

As I said, this broadcast will have three parts to help you sift through these questions and perhaps learn how to breeze through ‘difficult conversations’ with clarity and confidence.

Part One

Unfulfilled Expectations

Are they unrealistic, unspoken or unfulfilled fantasies?

Part Two

Purpose and Intention

Resolving conflict before it starts!

Part Three

Negotiate Rather Than Compromise

Fair fighting that works!

______________________________________________________

Let’s look at Part One

Unfulfilled Expectations

All of our disagreements come from expectations that are unfulfilled. Let’s look at three aspects of these unfulfilled expectations:

1.  Unfulfilled Fantasies

We all have baggage.  Some of us carry a backpack and others drag around a trunk! In childhood, there are varying degrees of neglect, abuse and trauma that we don’t realise are impacting our relationships today. Unmet emotional needs drive us to project and fantasize about another in ways that are distorted. We equate love with need, rather than love with care. Subconsciously we hope another will carry our baggage (meet our needs) for us and care for us in a way that didn’t happen in our formative years.

Some of us have learned to adapt in childhood in order to meet the needs of the family, culture or church. We learned to bury our true selves and our dreams as well. We subconsciously feel that another can help us to meet those unfilled dreams, rather than grieve them or learn to meet them in an appropriate way today.

2.  Unspoken Expectations

Sometimes we have so much shame or fear about something that we won’t say what we expect. Better to be quiet and not rock the boat.  Besides, we are probably masters at covertly manipulating, so why have an unpleasant confrontation?

There are also some people who have internal conversations (or lots of thinking) about expectations, and they swear they have spoken about them with you.  Introverts are especially guilty of this one because their internal world is deeply reflective.

3.  Unrealistic Expectations

When we were children, our parents defined, and helped us live in a world that would not exist when we were adults. There are problems and stresses today that they couldn’t even imagine, let alone deal with back then. The real problem with this fact is that we take this illusionary world into our relationships today. Although we are intelligent, logical people, the more primitive, underdeveloped brain we learned with back then, comes to be the driving force for unrealistic expectations in our relationships today.

We really are confused about how a person or relationship is supposed to fulfil us. Knowing what we really want and what the purpose and intention of the relationship is will help. Stay tuned for Part Two of this broadcast to learn to clarify the purpose and intention of a relationship and avoid conflict before it starts!

“EMPOWERING COMMUNICATIONS PROGRAM”

Our last ECP program for this year is November 24^th through the 28^th. This program will give you skills to learn how to say what you want to say, especially to those with different communication styles than yours. The program will also assist you to break through to your next level of self-expression!  Click here for a brochure.

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL:

Save $300.00 when you enrol and pay for our ECP in full by October 28, 2011. There are also group discounts for three or more.  Save an additional $300.00 per person.  Have a group and pay in full by the early bird and save $600.00 per person.

 

JANUARY 2012 – 12 DAY PROGRAM

Our October/November 12 Day program is full. The next 12-Day program starts on January 18, 2012.  There is an Early Bird savings of  $1000.00 if paid in full by Thursday, December 15, 2011

BREAK THE CYCLE

of

Self-Sabotage and Reactive Behaviour

Lonely, Destructive or Unfulfilling Relationships

Overwhelming or Frozen Feelings

and

GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE

Click here for a brochure

Shame on Who? (Part Two)

Sexuality and shame seem to go hand in hand. Mix together multigenerational carried shame; the sexual rush or sexual repressions from adolescence and you have the perfect recipe for ‘history repeating itself’. They say it takes three generations to break the cycle. I did it in two, and so can you.

So, how did I do it and what is my proof?

Five years ago my Higher Power gave me a second chance. My 14-year-old granddaughter, Ashley, came to live with me and attend school in Australia. When Ashley arrived, I was horrified to discover that she too was a wounded bird due to divorced parents, too many house moves and bitchy schoolgirl bullying. Her esteem, confidence and self-expression were lower than low. Boundaries were nil and panic attacks were commonplace.

Being older and wiser, I was able to teach her about boundaries; how to identify her needs and meet them and how to find her true self and express that in the world. Not only was it an incredible journey, but I was also able to come full circle and help her break the cycle of multigenerational shame in our family. I am immensely fulfilled from the experience and Ashley has benefited greatly from receiving the support that my mother, my daughter and myself didn’t!

Today Ashley is 19 years old and in her first year at Macquarie University.  She is doing a BA in Writing and has received four scholarships. She lives just off campus at Dunmore Lang College and has just scored a column in the campus magazine.

Not only is Ashley fully self-supporting (meeting her own needs with confidence), she has good boundaries and most importantly her humour is back.  Humour is one of the greatest antidotes for reducing shame.

Two generations later, read below her first article about sexuality and shame. We broke the cycle – and you can too!

The following article if from the DLC Magazine Segment:

How Tos and Haikus

Written by

Ashley Ward

 Preparation H: How to Walk the Walk of Shame

 “If you’ve just had sex in the past thirty minutes then you’re qualified to read with me.”

Coitus. You haven’t even started pre-drinking for the big night out and you’re already thinking about it. Imagine: It’s Friday night. You’re as keen as a bean to down some cheap liquor, kick up your heels, and finish the night with a real KAPOW! Yes, there’s no arguing that you came prepared for all of the above. Hell, you’ve probably already secured a late meal for you and your “friend”, Tap Sum Bong. You’ve prepared yourself for a magical night in OZ, and unfortunately, clicking your heels together isn’t going to get you back home.

According to a reliable survey from a reliable source on Google, 75% of people rarely consider the morning after a big night out. As a writer, I found this fact to be mind-boggling, and it made me think…deeply… how does one get home the morning after without walking up and down struggle street?

In light of all my curiosity, I thought I would educate myself with a bit of light reading. By skimming through Teen Vogue and Dolly, I learned how to firm my glutes, pick the right frock for me, and get the abs of my dreams in only seven minutes. I even discovered that I was a Gemini, with no promising career insights for September.

Unfortunately, there was nothing on the topic of escaping the aftermath of the one-night stand.  Thus, I came to the conclusion that my first plan was absolutely useless and a complete waste of time. So I whipped out my Plan B: Actually talking to people. I chased up a few of my fellow college residents to see about ‘hallway preparation’.

The first I consulted with was American exchange student, Matt Jovic (who will, from this moment on, take on the alias of “The Hammer” by request). Unbeknownst to me, I would soon discover a few golden nuggets of practical advice from someone who knows a thing or two about being nailed. The Hammer has this to say:

“Three words: Wear a jumper. Always have back up clothes…. And avoid robes if you can because they are very obvious. If you’ve got a regular thing going on with that person, it’s also a good idea to have a stash of clothes in their room, just in case.”

Fellow resident of the Nunnery, Katrina Soffer, also had something to add on the topic: “Get a pocket brush. Invest in one, seriously guys.”  So, it’s apparent. If your night was glorious, your hair will not be. End of story.

After some heavy Googling and a few useful interviews, I also discovered that looking like you haven’t just had sex isn’t enough for ‘hallway preparation’. Apparently, 43% of post-coital hallway drifters are spotted doing the walk of shame at the average time of noon. Now, there is no doubt that some people are late sleepers while others are early birds, though I think it’s safe to say that most of us don’t give a shit about getting the worm. So, if you’re down to skip the hallway havoc and a few awkward nods then an early morning exit is best.

If your night was successful, a particularly bouncy step may come to you naturally on the journey back to your room. Keep that bounce if you can. For all they know, your endorphins could be Gym related, or you could’ve just had a really lovely breakfast. A happy face is an inconspicuous face. Keep your chin high and embrace that casual hallway persona.

My final point touches on the most annoying invention ever to be made by humans: the fire alarm. Well, basically, you’re screwed and not in a good way. The way I see it, it’s invent a good lie, or burn and die. Personally, I would just go with the whole lying thing because being severely burned over a little late night nookie doesn’t hardly seem worth it. But hey, that’s just me.

There you have it: hallway preparation to get you from your dishevelled, awkward and untimely ways to pulling a Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother’s “king of awesome”). So the next time you’re heading out for a big night in OZ, harden up and leave the heel clicking to Dorothy. Comb your do, set your alarm and pray to God that the other one doesn’t go off!

Use Preparation H. – and avoid hallway discomfort.

Golden Oaks: A Haiku

Golden Oaks is a haiku I wrote based on the cheap wine, or “goon” as we call it, that us college kids use to hydrate ourselves. It’s cheap, it’s practical and it comes in bulk… to secure a truly Golden evening.

Oh, white wine of mine

I want to drink your contents

Such a lovely sack

Goon never tasted so foul

It’s really okay

Because I want to get drunk

Inebriation

Take hold of my sweet liver.

Fin.

“HEALING THE WOUNDS OF ADOLESCENSE”

Our next 4-Day and 12-Day programs in October 2011, specifically deals with healing shame; learning how to express anger appropriately, and healings wounds regarding sexuality. Click here for a brochure.

4-Day Program:  Limited places by invitation only.  October 27^th through 30^th. Please contact our office for further information.

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL:

Save $500 when you enrol and pay for our 12-Day program in full by September 30^th.  Program dates: October 27^th though November 7^th.

Our next program in October 2011, “Healing the Wounds of Adolescence” specifically deals with healing shame; learning how to express anger appropriately, and healings wounds regarding sexuality…click here for a brochure

and remember, register and pay by 30 September to receive your Early Bird Special!

Phone +61 2 9953 7000

The Radiant Group
32 Grosvenor Street
Neutral Bay NSW 2089
Sydney, Australia

Shame on Who?

Just before my 15^th birthday, my life as I’d known it unexpectedly changed – and it wasn’t good. My father was famous for handing out severe punishments.  His worst ones involved taking away something I really loved to make a lasting impression. This time my crime happened on a family holiday, visiting cousins I’d never met. But there was a problem I didn’t know about… My mother’s secret was yet to be exposed…

Picture my humiliated (and dare I say furious) mother, discovering a pack of cigarettes my best friend and I carefully stashed away. Until this holiday, I didn’t realise my mother’s incredible need to make a lasting impression of her perfect family. This imprint would continue to cover her shame from childhood caused from having an obese mother and out of work father. This condition appeared to be the result of my mother’s unexpected arrival, as she was often told, ‘you were our ‘change of life baby’ (with two older sisters already in their twenties).  The story goes:  Grandma and Grandpa had to give up their bedroom for guests and Grandma couldn’t get her hands on her douche bag (an accepted form of birth control in that day). Ouch! Needless to say, my poor mother grew up alone most of the time and shrouded in shame knowing that she was a mistake.

The rage and shame those innocent cigarettes ignited, sent my mother into her familiar, powerless, trance-like state. In a rage, she loaded the cannon and my father fired it, shattering the vision I’d had for my future in one blast!

From the time I was born there was nothing I loved more than dancing. The music and movement let me survive in the intolerable reality of my childhood. I could drown out everything from arguing to loneliness and offload the anxiety I carried for the whole family in one passionate burst of creativity. I spent years in my childhood working hard at the craft, performing with my dance company and dreaming (lots of dreaming) about leaving home to go to UCLA (Uni) to major in the performing arts. Honestly, that vision kept me going.

The punishment I received for the uncovered fags…no more dancing, no more social activities and no more best friend.  In fact, I never saw Patty, (who was also part of my dance company) again! It was as if my whole life disappeared in a cloud of smoke – and I was all alone.

After a couple of months, my guilt-ridden mother let me sneak out a bit… “but don’t tell your father”, she warned. Great! I had no friends and I had no social skills because ALL of my prior activities were connected with my dance company. Lost, alone and feeling totally worthless drove me into a new direction.

I started picking up ‘wounded birds’ and focused on how to improve their life and make them feel better. (Now, if you are a current or past client, don’t take offense. I did recover and actually made a choice for the profession I am now in. Plus, I learned the difference between caretaking and providing care. Lucky for you!)

The first wounded bird was Jessie, a poor frumpy girl with an alcoholic mother and a military father who was never home. I felt her pain and loneliness and offered her not only friendship, but a physical makeover as well. The next was Steve, a wounded soul, with alcoholic parents, who was experimenting with drugs.  I felt his pain and shame too. He was really sweet, offering me a lift home from the beach.  When my Father humiliated me in front of him and Steve came back, I decided I would hang on to this one and dedicated my life to making him feel good. Three days after my 18^th birthday I married Steve and had two children by the time I was 21 years old.

Shortly after my 22^nd birthday I woke up from my trance – horrified at what I had done – and began my journey to find the real Shirley.

In those adolescent years, I didn’t know that I was the wounded bird.  I didn’t have any self-esteem and the multigenerational shame I was carrying kept me confused. I was desperately trying to find stability and feel good about something – anything I had to offer, by care-taking other wounded birds.  I could feel their pain, show them compassion and offer my love. How sad that I was completely incapable of doing this for myself. And how wonderful that part of my authentic self was able to find a way to express the love, compassion and care I naturally had inside of me.

I think we often give to others what we need and want the most. My wish and prayer for you is to learn to give the love, attention and care to yourself that you probably preoccupy yourself with giving to others. To do this you need to learn to set boundaries and to identify and meet your own personal needs. Throwing your needs into your adult relationships and having little to no boundaries, destroys relationships!

Currently in our programs at The Radiant Group we are working with healing the shame that clouds our reality; fuels destructive and addictive behaviour and keeps us stuck. I am very inspired and privileged to be involved with many courageous people who are not settling for the horrible consequences of multigenerational shame and rage.

Our next program in October 2011, “Healing the Wounds of Adolescence” specifically deals with healing shame; learning how to express anger appropriately, and healings wounds regarding sexuality…click here for a brochure

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL: Save $500 when you enrol and pay for our 12 Day program in full by September 30th

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 – where I explore sexuality and shame. You will also get to see the multigenerational healing in my story that will hopefully inspire you to break the cycle in your families.

Rewarding Relationships

Latte Magazine recently did a series of articles on “Mid Life Crisis”.  There are a number of great articles on various aspects of life.  I was asked to contribute an article on relationships in mid life. 

While an early mid-life crisis can often involve dysfunctional relationships, the key to great relationships is about understanding your own emotions.

Emotions are energy, they are an energy of expression. This energy comes with the way you perceive things, and one of the worst things you can do with emotions is to repress them. If you repress your feelings, they’ll build up and drive you to overreact.

>>click here to download the rest of this article and all the other articles>>

To Group or Not to Group?

Pretty much everyone who comes into my office tells me they are prepared to do family of origin work or coaching.  They can see the benefits and inherently know that it will help them make the changes they want to make.  What they are not prepared to do is divulge anything personal in front of others.  In other words… “I don’t do Group”.

For most, ‘group therapy’ conjures up images of losers sitting around whingeing about their problems…over and over again. The very prospect is cringe-making, embarrassing and sometimes even shameful.

The thing about shame is that everyone feels it.  Sometimes it’s healthy shame, which is humility, meaning you’re human and it’s ok to make mistakes.  If it’s unhealthy shame you spiral into obsessive, negative thoughts about yourself or feel so dreadful you wish the ground would open and swallow you up. You might even have a ‘shame attack’ where you become red-faced, mute and your mind goes blank. Whatever degree or way you are exposed, it’s usually in a way you never wanted.

The Catch 22 with shame is that in order for it to dissipate, it has to be witnessed in a safe environment of supportive peers. And that’s where Group comes in. But not just any Group – a well-structured Family of Origin Group run by a highly trained professional who know how to facilitate the individual as well as the group processes simultaneously.

You might be asking yourself what the heck is a family of origin group?  At The Radiant Group we combine a lecture (Accelerated Learning style), and small groups of six to each facilitator.  We take presenting problems or negative behaviours and relationship issues in your life today, identify the origin of these and resolve them so you can stop repeating past, destructive behaviours. We particularly focus on resolving neglect, trauma and unmet needs in your formative years that have an effect on your relationships and life today and then work with you to build a strong personal foundation – physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

Group work is proven to be much faster, thorough and more effective than individual therapy.

And now, here’s my gift to you: Click on this link and you will receive a free lecture on the merits of group as a fast track to lasting healing.  Please feel free to share this video with your friends and family.

So I have a question for you.  Why not group for you?

NEWSFLASH

We are now offering two types of Group work:

1. Weekly Day & Evening Groups (Tuesday’s) at the Radiant Group Centre in Neutral Bay. There is a prerequisite to join group.  You must have participated in one of our 12 day or weekend programs*** and have completed an assessment.

2. Weekly Teleclasses with video lectures and workbook from anywhere in the world on Thursday Evenings. Click here for a brochure…

More Happiness and Personal Freedom is a Reality – A New Spiritual Practice is Born

At Christmas time last year, I wrote a blog on my adaptation of the “Twelve Steps” and introduced the first five with a promise to give the remaining seven later in the year. With the Easter theme of “dying to the old and being reborn to the new”, it seems an appropriate time to provide the remaining ones.

And yes, I have FINALLY answered the call of many clients and friends – a 10 week Set Yourself Free Teleclass featuring the Generic Steps on Thursday evenings begins May 19th.  The Teleclass will enable clients to enhance the work they have already done, begin working on themselves or delve deeper into areas that they feel are a “sticking point” in their lives – no matter what area – love, relationships, career, financial and more.

Having had 40 years experience with the steps (yes I was introduced to them in my teens), I have adapted my version from years of personal experience, the original Twelve Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous and from the Proactive Twelve Steps.  I call them the “Generic Twelve Steps” because I know people can work them on any condition or behaviour they want to permanently change in their lives and as a bonus, will gain a spiritual transformation. Some continue to work the steps as their spiritual practice. They seem to work especially well for those with addictive personalities and those who love them.

I have written the generic version in the first person “I” so you can personalise the step and take ownership of the process.  I still suggest you work them with others because it speeds up the process and helps you gain humility, which is the key ingredient for spirituality, self-love and self-esteem. I have also included the first five Generic Steps, as well as the original ones from Alcoholics Anonymous.

 The Generic Twelve Steps

By Shirley Smith

Step One

I am powerless over others and things I think I can or should control.  I acknowledge that I am stuck.  It makes no sense to keep trying to solve problems with the same old solutions that aren’t working.

Face the reality of any situation. If it’s not working, acknowledge that and exhale.  You may be left with a feeling of emptiness for a short while.  That’s ok because it makes room for new ideas.

Original Step One

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives have become unmanageable.

 Step Two

I am willing to let go of the way I usually operate and open my mind and heart to a broader perspective.  I am learning to believe there’s a better way for me. 

What are you clinging to?  Are you trying too hard? Letting go can feel scary to just plain wrong. Now do something different; try a different approach.  It’s amazing when we surrender our old ways, how quickly our Spirit comes to the rescue, helping us to realise new perspectives.

Original Step Two

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three

I take a leap of faith and shift my focus to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life, rather than being fixated on my problems.

Being fixated makes us tighten up and narrows our focus. As we continue to let go and allow ourselves to trust, Spirit filled interventions happen.  This builds hope, letting us take more leaps of faith to help transform our situation.

 Original Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.

Step Four

I honestly look at the effects of my defensive and destructive behaviours on others and myself.

In this step we stop defending, proving and fighting.  Step away from the battle and take a non-partisan look at your own actions. To do this, it is essential to remove judgement of good and evil while being fearlessly accountable for your part. My freedom comes from taking responsibility and ownership of my destructive, defensive behaviours.

Original Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step Five

I take full responsibility for my destructive behaviours by honestly acknowledging them to another.

Admit your mistakes, your stubbornness and how your actions have hurt others (and you).  In the admission, you may feel guilty. Good! Healthy guilt is your own conscience speaking to you.  You are in the process of getting back to your authentic self and into alignment with your values. This step also helps to alleviate shame and fear.

Step five is the beginning to feeling more empowered and being given the inner strength to change things for the better.

Original Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

 Step Six

I am ready to have help removing my self-defence mechanisms that keep my reactive and destructive behaviour in place.

Knee-jerk reactions have to do with covering up our fear, shame and hurt, which are often unconscious. When we are willing to listen to our true inner voice, our intuition and the voice of the Spirit rather than our rationalisations, shoulds, have to’s and ought to’s – we are then able to discern between our fears and our inner spiritual guidance. God resides within our unconscious and we are all equal and interconnected through a “collective consciousness.” Humility is the key.

Original Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step Seven

I am humbly striving to be motivated from my authentic self rather than my negative ego or false self.

Most of us confuse humility with humiliation.  Humility is not grovelling or self-deprecating. It is the gateway to receive the serenity, changes and happiness you seek. Lasting transformation doesn’t come from sheer force of will. Transformation comes as a result of observing your inner conflicts, fears and shame and progressively shifting from fear-based reactions to ones grounded in a deeper sense of your authentic self. Letting yourself become aware of the impulses behind your actions and choices is a spiritual process.

 Original Step Seven

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

 Step Eight

I am now willing to face my past and those I have hurt – including myself.

I realise how much revenge and blame are ingrained in all of us, and how staying stuck in that consciousness doesn’t get me anywhere. I am ready to give up being a victim on all levels. I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds from my past.

 Original Step Eight

Made a list of all people we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 Step Nine

I am willing to change my ways. I swallow my false pride, and sincerely apologise to people I’ve hurt, except when to do so would harm them, others or myself.

In step eight you faced yourself. Step nine requires you facing others that are probably not favourable about your actions.  This is an action step that takes courage.  Sorry only gets sorrier.  Making an amends has its roots in the pain you feel for going against your values. When making an amends you are giving people the understanding that you have changed. You will gain a deep realisation that you can actually grow and create better solutions from your mistakes

 Original Step Nine

Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Ten

I practice mindfulness by paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions and make amends immediately when I am wrong.

Having completed initial housecleaning from the working the first nine steps, you are now ready for maintenance, sustenance and growth, which comes from working step ten.  This step continues to keep us honest, and gives us the experience of being comfortable in our own skin.  The late, great Jack Boland gave us some powerful words to practice this step in a practical way.  “Admit, I don’t know and I need help.  Say, please help me.  And when you get really sophisticated you can say, I made a mistake.”

Original Step Ten

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step Eleven

I tune in and listen for a greater perspective of goodness and ask for guidance, strength and courage to act upon it.

This step provides you with confidence, direction and a sense of harmony with the order of all things.  Practicing step eleven rewards you with further emotional development and spiritual maturity. You’ll learn to intuitively know what’s right for you as opposed to analysing things with your logical mind, which lets you make better choices for health and happiness.

Original Step Eleven

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

 Step Twelve

Having awakened my authentic self and transformed many problems, I continue to practice these steps in every area of my life and inspire others to do the same.

It is very powerful to experience the world from your authentic self.  Not only do you enjoy a broader perspective, you are able to give yourself permission to do what really makes you happy without feeling guilty.  You naturally become an inspiration to others and you are able to impart the knowledge and wisdom you’ve gained from working these steps to those who ask.

 Original Step Twelve

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 References:

• Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

By Alcoholics Anonymous Publishing ISBN 0-916856-01-1

• The Twelve Steps for Everyone

By HI Productions, CompCare Publishers – ISBN 0-89638-136-6

• The Proactive 12 Steps

By Serge Prengel – ISBN: 1-892482-06-1

And especially input from Grace Merrick and Shirley Smith with their many years of experience, both personally and professionally.

Lasting Change – Quickly Please! Plus, one of Australia’s Leading Entrepreneurs talks about ECP

My recent move lead me to the hardware store where I found myself purchasing some paint to freshen up the walls. The paint can boast promises of “one quick coat will do the trick”. And yes, they were right – except I didn’t realise the time (not to mention the work) involved in preparing the walls for that one quick coat.

There’s preparation required for lasting change. We have to be willing to sand the rough spots of our behaviour, patch the holes of our relationships and wash away the residual shame and fear that attracts negative circumstances like a greasy kitchen wall attracts dirt.

I’m not the tortoise type and I like to move quickly. Especially when I am in an uncomfortable place and want to “grow” or move on. I seem to attract clients who are much like me. When I ask them how long they think it will take to make the changes they want to make, most say three to six months. Not unreasonable for a New Years resolution.

The problem is that most of my clients want to learn how to make positive changes in their behaviour, their relationships and their lives that will last. Like our “wonder paint” there are techniques that let us learn new ways and make lasting changes relatively quickly.

For many years, I have used a variety of specialised techniques, including Accelerated Learning, in the programs I design and facilitate. It’s extremely interesting to me to utilise all the parts of the mind, as well as our physiology when learning and making changes. Plus, the mind/body learning style facilitates lasting change, as well as allowing one to embody change naturally.

For me the best part is witnessing my clients making those changes and not only getting the results they want – but getting even more.

Pete Higgins, the entrepreneurial powerhouse behind the Mortgage Choice brand recently attended our Empowering Communications Program and was super impressed with the results he achieved. To hear a first hand account of Pete’s experience.